The Viable Alternative

Several nights ago (well at the time I first wrote this, it was several nights, but now it’s about a month), as I was sitting on a bench on the subway platform, reflecting on my ongoing quest to overcome the blocks that have prevented me from really truly hustling and doing whatever it takes (that is legal) to create the life I want, this strong feeling of pride came over me.

I felt proud of the fact that I held myself back all these years from having success. Because of what I was specifically proud about, I knew then and there that I wasn’t experiencing the “me” of the present moment, rather, a past version of me was being triggered at that very moment.

I knew that rather than suppress this emotion, I needed to connect with it and explore it further because it could contain more answers to the unraveling mystery of why I have struggled so much in my life to become successful.

As I got curious to the emotion and listened to it, I saw that I was proud of holding myself back because I was attempting to please my father. By trying to please my father, I felt like I was being a “good boy,” words he told me when he was pleased with me, and that felt good. The simple thought of knowing I was pleasing my father made me happy and was quite satisfying. As such, I didn’t care to change.

Getting deeper and more connected, I noticed that not only did I feel pride, but I also felt a sense of honour for sacrificing who I am for my father. As I was now more aware, I noticed that I had this ongoing strain in the muscles in my head from all the thinking I did to make sure my life reflected that which was pleasing to my father.

Interesting.

Funny what you learn about your past when you consciously follow the emotions that get triggered rather than suppress them or let them overtake you.

With such a strong force of desire I felt to be this way, I knew that this would be difficult to change. I am tied to being this way not only by pride in pleasing my father, but also pride in the system itself I created that is blocking my success. Yes it’s dysfunctional and flowed and has held my greatness hostage, but it’s still MINE.

Because I invested so much time creating this, I feel that giving it all up now would make me a failure and all the time I spent building this would be a waste. Kind of the same way a person won’t leave a dysfunctional relationship that’s hazardous to his or her health or peace of mind because he or she felt they put so much time into it and are afraid to throw i the towel.

In addition to pride, what kept me attached to my self sabotaging behaviour was a sense of loyalty to my father. Being loyal to my parents made me feel like a good person and also gave me hopes that I’d get his love in return, even if what I was being loyal to was holding me back.

It’s no wonder why, before I had discovered all this, that every single attempt I met to try to become successful failed. Affirmations never really worked. Visualizing my success didn’t work. Going out and taking massive amounts of action didn’t work either because for some “inexplicable reason” I’d feel compelled to get trapped in my head analyzing this and that which ground everything to a halt.

I remember someone telling me some years back, “Just get out there and do it,” and though wanting to follow the advice, I felt I couldn’t and had no logical answer as to why I couldn’t.

I also remember back in 2014, while coming out of a Toastmasters meeting, explaining to a woman I was dating at the time how I felt so cut off from what I knew was necessary to be successful. I knew what gifts I had, but I felt blocked off from them. I also felt cut off from the passion that made “going for it” worthwhile and drove a person to think out of the box to come up with creative ways to overcome obstacles.

What I wasn’t aware of was that below all the frustration was that which I described earlier – feelings of loyalty to and pride over the mess of a life that I had. This was what was fighting against all my efforts of change, and winning, because I didn’t know what the hell was going on.

This goes to show, that the surface problems we experience – financial lack, addictions, being overweight, infideility etc. – have nothing to do with the problem itself, but go deeper. Connecting to those deeper issues is our ticket to freedom.

I’ve said it in my other blogs, but it bears repeating here, what I’ve learned from all this is that my task is to learn to connect to my true self so I can disconnect from the need to continue sabotaging myself out of pride and loyalty.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love