The Viable Alternative

Yeah, so I took a couple of weeks off of writing this thing. After you share of your self the way I’ve been doing, on an energetic level you feel kind of open and “sore” (or at least that’s what it’s been like for me) and I didn’t have the “energy” to write anything, so I left this alone for a bit.

Anyways, I’m back.

I find the process of transformation very interesting. For years, I thought it was something that happened overnight and was frustrated at myself for being the same old person making the same old mistakes and caught up in the same old patterns. Now, as I look back, I’ve come to see that the process of transformation is a slow, sequential, gradual process. Rarely does it happen in an instant, and even when you do get those life altering revelations, you still have to take the necessary action in your life to make use of the revelation and have it benefit your life.

I’ve been going to something called body oriented therapy for almost two years, and I’ve come to a point where as I look at a lot of my self limiting behaviours and ways of thinking and am able to understand from where they came and why I engage in them, I’ve come to realize that I’m finally ready to let them go.

Now if you’re wondering why I am letting go of them only now and not before when I knew they were obstacles to the things I wanted in life, my answer to you is that it’s not as simple as “letting them go” out of an act of sheer willpower. IF it was that simple, I wouldn’t have gone into therapy.

One of the reasons I started therapy was because I couldn’t seem to get out of my own way when it came to me being successful in life financially and in terms of fulfilling my dreams so I finally decided to seek help. Within the past two years, it was discovered that my financial struggles were a direct result of a system of thinking and a way of being I created in order to survive living in a household with a narcissistic, erratic, emotionally abusive and very insecure father.

This is not said out of malice to my pops, it’s an objective assessment. It simply was what it was and I call a spade a spade.

This way of thinking caused me to be “small” in life in order to “protect” my father. It caused me to constantly berate myself over any mistakes I made so I can get to myself before my father did. It caused me not to be able to trust myself because I wasn’t ever able to consistently please my father. It caused me to be afraid of being “big” because I felt sooner or later my father was going to come in and knock me back down to size. It caused me to feel undeserving of success and “too much” money because I felt I didn’t work hard enough for it. It caused me to sabotage anything I felt came too easily to me.

It also caused me to think of myself as weak and unable to fend for myself.

All these were reasons why I was consistently underachieving in life, and why my life resembles more that of a man-child than a grown a** man. Harsh indictment, but true.

Well, as transformation is a process, after being consistently reminded by my therapist that the “threat” under which I created this way of being no longer exists, as of recently, as a result of the cumulative effects of me consistently releasing old, stuck emotions that enable me to connect more to the core of who I am, it has finally begun to sink in that it is “safe” for me to create my life coming from the core of who I am in the present, as opposed to continuing to create a life that came from the trauma of my wounded inner child.

As such, I’m realizing that it’s time for me to grow up from being a man-child into a whole man.

I’m starting to realize that there is no reason to fear success because of me thinking that it’d lead to me being “alone” and “lonely.” I know that by being connected to who I really am, and all the strength and power that entails, I will never be alone because ultimately I have ME. Thus, I can stop sabotaging my success with this deep, underlying fear.

I’m starting to slowly and gradually accept that if I allow myself to expand and be “bigger,” nothing bad is going to happen to me, and I won’t be penalized for it. So, it’s time that I stop holding myself back and rather let myself be the big being I was created to be.

I’m starting to also realize that the extreme loyalty I had to the whole thought system I created in order to please my father and also “predict” his erratic behaviour, causing extreme overthinking, analysis paralysis, self-stifling and being on edge is no longer necessary. Since I don’t have to be loyal to my father via being loyal to this system, it is safe for me to dismantle it and let myself BE.

I’m starting to realize that I’m not weak, helpless and powerless and thus am able to handle large amounts of success, and the responsibilities that come with it. As such, I am starting to embrace success instead of run from it so that my life in turn reflects that of an adult and not a man-child who barely gets by.

Because I’m feeling more centered, grounded and connected to my core on a regular basis, I’m realizing that I have ME to protect me, validate me, support me and love me, and that’s the foundation of what I need to start creating my life.

Oh, and an interesting thing is, as a side benefit, I’m now starting to take a look at my fear of commitment to women and starting to be open to changing the behaviours that I adopted as a child that no longer serve me that cause me to run for the hills at the mere thought of commitment.

Like I said, it’s time for me to grow up.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love